This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
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Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for
over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd
probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and
I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well,
my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through
my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human
body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've
no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt
Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact,
only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge
to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman
Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy
was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri
pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last
month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part
of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -
actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the
least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make
more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
